


They're So Spaced Out

by BlueEyedMrsBaelish



Series: James Westerling/Robb Stark [6]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Based on the orgy scene from Rocketman, Drug Use, Drug fueled orgy, Dubious Consent, Eventual Happy Ending, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, James is really fucked up, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Orgy, Taron Egerton as James, Therapy, Traumatizing memory, low point, possible triggers, richard madden as robb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 07:42:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20524415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueEyedMrsBaelish/pseuds/BlueEyedMrsBaelish
Summary: "I don't need fucking /therapy/. Jesus, Ella!" He visibly recoils at that. "I just need to get out of my head for a bit is all.""You're self destructing.""No I'm --""Don't argue with me!" Her eyes fill up with tears, something she tries to hide by turning away from him, blonde hair bouncing in her ponytail. "I love you and I'm scared for you, I've never seen you like this over anything or anyone. If you're determined to continue ruining your own life, don't expect me to keep quiet for much longer. I'm not always gonna be there when you're drunk as a skunk and lost, and you better hope mom doesn't find out." She chokes back a sob, wiping her cheeks. "Just… be careful."





	They're So Spaced Out

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Please check out the fic earlier in the series titled Let Your Waves Crash Down (idk how to link from here or I would), it ties in with a section near the end of this fic.

"Ella, I promise you, I'm fine."

"You're not. You're not and you know you're not."

James releases a frustrated sigh, rubbing his face with his hands. He's had this argument with his sister multiple times over the last few months, and it's been worse the last few weeks. "I'm /fine/. I'm over it. I fucked up and I'm living with it, alright?"

"You're not living with it, James." She juts out her jaw, stubborn as ever. "You're spiraling, and it's scary to see."

"I'm not -- look, it's just a bad time okay? I'm fine."

Throwing her hands in the air, Eleyna releases an exasperated sigh. "Fine. Whatever. But don't think I can keep covering for you coming home at 5 AM, sweaty and high and smelling like what I'm seriously hoping isn't sex."

He winces at that, knowing she's right. "Look, I'm sorry. I just need some time."

"You've had time. Almost a year. You need therapy."

"I don't need fucking /therapy/. Jesus, Ella!" He visibly recoils at that. "I just need to get out of my head for a bit is all."

"You're self destructing."

"No I'm --"

"Don't argue with me!" Her eyes fill up with tears, something she tries to hide by turning away from him, blonde hair bobbing in her ponytail. "I love you and I'm scared for you, I've never seen you like this over anything or anyone. If you're determined to continue ruining your own life, don't expect me to keep quiet for much longer. I'm not always gonna be there when you're drunk as a skunk and lost, and you better hope mom doesn't find out." She chokes back a sob, wiping her cheeks. "Just… be careful."

Before James even has the chance to respond she's gone, running from his room. He sighs and closes the door before running a hand through his short blonde hair.

She wasn't wrong; James had spiraled considerably in the last 10 months. It started when he'd slowly worked Robb Stark, his best friend and the man he was completely in love with, out of his life. In a mixture of manipulation from his mother and being terrified of ruining an incredible friendship, he’d worked his way from chatting with Robb once in awhile to cutting off communication completely.

It was easily the hardest thing he’s ever done.

The one night stands started first. James was so desperate for any kind of touch that he started going online, finding other guys to sneak out and meet up with. The first time he had cried after, feeling like he’d betrayed Robb despite the fact that they had never dated. The second time was a week later, and he had felt guilty still but not enough to cry. The third was the next day, and he felt nothing.

It became a weekly occurrence, sometimes less on better days. He wasn’t an idiot about it, either; everyone was clean and they used protection every time. It had become less about getting off and more about having someone to warm his bed, to touch, to feel. Robb wasn’t around anymore, something that was completely his own fault. So why not attempt to replace something irreplaceable?

The drinking came soon after. He spent most evenings at the local pub, singing karaoke and making everyone cheer and sing along while progressively getting more drunk. This was also where most of his hookups happened; between tourists and regular patrons, he was never short on dicks to suck or men to fuck. None of them every meant more than the orgasm (or two).

None of them were Robb Stark.

\--

Tonight was a different night than the rest. James had managed to sneak out again (it was better than being bombarded with questions by his psychotic mother) and was headed to a nightclub closer to Casterly Rock, recommended by one of his bathroom blowjobs. It was loud, it was dark, and it would allow him to get out of his head, he was told. Also if he was asked what he’s looking for, to tell them he’d “heard about the haze”. Whatever that meant.

So here he is inside of the Lion’s Den, large and loud and smoky, smelling of sweat and booze and smoke. It’s exactly the kind of place James wants to be tonight.

“Hey gorgeous. You lost?”

He turns to see a gorgeous dark haired man standing at the bar, eyeing him as if he were a piece of meat. Normally he’d roll his eyes and flip the guy off but instead he approaches him, eyeing him from head to toe. “Yeah, a bit. First time being here.”

Waving a hand to the bartender, he orders a whiskey sour before turning back to the man, who’s suddenly much closer. “I can tell. You have a somewhat faraway look in your eyes.”

James chuckles at that, taking his drink and throwing money on the bar. He downs in all in one swig and orders a second. “I’m miserable and want to forget about life for a bit. I heard about the haze and figured I’d check it out.”

He still had no idea what that meant, but the man clearly did. A cocked eyebrow and a smirk later, he was being handed a small bottle and a piece of paper. “Follow those instructions. You’ll find what you’re looking for, and I promise you won’t forget tonight.” The man leans in and kisses him deeply on the lips before turning and walking into the crowd, leaving a very stunned James by the bar. He glances down at the paper, grabbing his second drink and downing it quickly as he reads.

Go towards the left side of the club. You’ll see a bouncer, show him the bottle. He’ll let you in.  
Make your way down the stairs.  
You’ll find what you’re looking for - and more - once you turn right. Knock three times and enjoy.

James is more confused than anything at this point, but the alcohol has his head spinning just enough to dull his judgement. He follows the instructions and soon finds himself in a large room filled with people, booze, drugs, and incredibly loud music, almost louder than upstairs. The room is all men, and it takes James a moment for his eyes to adjust to the lighting to realize exactly what’s happening.

He’s about to have an orgy.

“There he is. We were told someone else was coming.”

“Fresh meat, how delightful.”

“Isn’t he pretty? Can’t wait to see how he takes it.”

There’s a moment of panic, of wanting nothing but to get the fuck out of here. It’s fleeting, however, because someone takes him and sits him down on a couch - where did the couch even come from? - and hands him a drink. He gulps it down without thinking, wincing at the sweet taste and burn going down his throat. There’s a finger at his nose and he sniffs, suddenly hit with a burst of energy. His nose burns, and he realizes that he just snorted cocaine. 

Fuck. What was happening?

The next bit is a blur; he doesn’t remember getting undressed or laying down on the floor. He doesn’t know who’s on top of him, kissing his lips and licking his chest, who’s mouth is around his cock and who has his hand wrapped around theirs. All he knows is that he’s high, he’s drunk, and he’s desperately horny.

The small bottle he was given is suddenly being held in front of him, and a man’s voice tells him to inhale deeply. He does so, because why not? It’s not even a second later that he’s hit with a head rush, his entire body shaking from an intense and sudden need to get fucked. 

Poppers. Of course it’s poppers.

He whines as he’s flipped over, his mind no longer his own as he’s filled with cock - one in his ass, one in his mouth, one in each hand. He’s being used, belittled, just a cock whore for a group of men taking out their pleasure. His brain wants to love it, he wants to feel whole and wanted and fuck these men are hard, his ass is taking it so well and he’s hungrily licking and sucking the cock in his mouth.

Somehow he still feels so… empty.

It doesn’t stop when the first group finishes, leaving him covered in cum and gasping for breath. Someone tosses a towel on his body, telling him to clean himself up before the second round.

Second round?

James barely has time to think before he’s given another drink, another noseful of cocaine, and suddenly he’s back at it, being tossed around from man to man like he’s a fucking toy. It doesn’t feel like he’s even in the room; it’s like he’s looking at himself from an outside view, seeing his body being used in a way he never would have let happen if he wasn’t in this state.

By the time the second group is done James is in tears, shaking and gasping for air as he wipes himself down. Someone touches his arm, presumably to get him going for a third time, but in a sudden wave of courage he shoves the arm off of him, grabbing at the pile of clothes he can just make out and running out of the closest door. He doesn’t know who’s clothes they are, but he manages to get decent before bursting outside, breathing in the fresh air in large gasps before collapsing against the closest wall, his body shaking with his labored sobs.

𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳. 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘚𝘩𝘦'𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘚𝘺𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘭. 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦.

He pats the pockets, finding a phone and is surprised to find that it’s his. He’d thank the gods if he still believed in them. He’s able to unlock the phone with a shaky hand, and in his fucked up state he manages to find Robb’s number, matched with a picture of Robb grinning at the camera while James kisses his cheek.

Gods, he misses him. He misses him so much. He just wants to call him and apologize, beg him to forgive him and tell him he loves him. But he can’t, Robb doesn’t care anymore. He can’t care.

"... 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦. 𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘺."

Robb couldn’t have loved him back, not in the way he wanted. They were friends, just friends. And there was no way he could believe Robb could love him. Look at him.

He chokes back a sob and clicks off of Robb’s contact photo, his heart aching for his best friend. He doesn’t call Eleyna - she made it clear if she had to pick him up again she’d tell. He can’t have that.

So he somehow manages to get an Uber home.

\--

It’s 5 AM when the car pulls up to his house, dropping him off near the back when asked. He gives the driver a 5 star rating and a hefty tip - he’s sobering up now, and the poor guy did just drive him an hour home. Using his usual way he sneaks in and makes it to his room, where he collapses onto the floor into a heap, curled up and gasping for breath. It’s too much, it’s all too much. He’s coming down and everything is hitting him at once, and one thought keeps running through his head.

Eleyna must have been waiting up, because within a few minutes James feels arms wrapped around him, tugging him up gently. He rests his head on her shoulder and allows himself to cry, to really cry, and instead of berating him she holds him, gently rubbing his back and running a hand through his hair as she whispers soft words of comfort.

“I’m - I’m sorry…”

“I know. Shh, I know.”

“I need help, Ella.”

Her body shudders slightly, and the way her voice cracks when she speaks again makes James realize she’s crying. “Thank you. We’ll figure this out tomorrow, okay? We’ll take you to meet with a therapist. You’ll be okay, we’ll get through this.”

He nods, clinging to her as he tries to catch his breath. “I know. I feel so stupid, Ella. This isn’t like me.”

There’s a pause. “You really miss him, don’t you?”

His chest feels as if it’s going to seize, the mere mention of Robb hurting him. He doesn’t let it overwhelm him; instead, he slowly nods, exhaling slowly before answering. “More than anything. I miss him so much, Ella.”

“Why don’t you talk to him? I’m sure he -”

“No.” He lifts his head, shaking it quickly. “No. I’ve already fucked up enough, I’m not doing that to him. I need to let him live his own life without me in it.”

Eleyna purses her lips, releasing James before watching him. He knows he’s not going to like what she’s going to say next.

“And what makes you think he can’t make that decision for himself?”

James clenches his fists, releasing a hot breath. He tries to answer her, tries to come up with anything that proves her wrong. Unfortunately for him, it all goes back to his own insecurities. 

When he doesn’t say anything she just nods, standing up. “Get some sleep, James. We’ll talk in the morning.” She cups his face and gives him a kiss on his forehead. “And you should probably shower before you go to bed. You still have some coke on your nose and you don’t smell great.”

She leaves James with a sad smile, and he sits in silence until his phone beeps. Furrowing his brow, he opens the text to see Robb’s number, his face going white. It takes him a good few minutes before he even opens the text, taking a sharp inhale.

[Wolfy]: Hey! I know it’s been awhile but I can’t sleep and I was thinking about you. Hope you’re doing well!  
[Wolfy]: Miss you, mate. Hope to hear from you soon.

Miss you, mate.

He can feel himself spiraling again, shaking and gasping as he drops his phone. He needs to relax, now. Thankfully, his bowl is nearby and he packs it as quickly as he can with shaky hands, opening a window and smoking the entire thing. It’s just enough to cut down his nerves, so he packs another one and smokes that as well, closing his eyes as the drugs cloud his mind and make him fully relax.

Well, not fully. He’s fucked up. He needs an outlet - which is when he remembers his video diaries.

Without Robb, it’s labeled. Pathetic.

Regardless, he manages to drag himself to his computer, turning it on and waiting until it’s ready before turning the camera on himself and hitting record.

“Fuck. So, I’ve just kind of accepted that I’ll never find love? Like true love? Because thanks mom for reminding me!” He groans and rubs his already red eyes. “So yeah, I’ve had a few hookups. Kinda went out to a bar tonight and ended up downstairs, covered in men. Was kinda hot as fuck but I’ve never felt more empty inside, even after /that/.” Finger guns. “I’m so miserable. I work and I sleep, and sometimes I smoke but I don’t like smoking anymore because I did it with /him/. The man I abandoned.”

There’s a good minute pause before he speaks again, his voice so soft and broken now. “I… I’m sorry, Robb. I’m sorry. But I need to move on… I’m self-destructing. You didn’t do anything wrong. This one is on me.” He sniffles and pulls his phone back out. “He texted me, ya know. Told me he /missed/ me and hoped he’d hear from me soon.” Snorts. “He really had to remind me that I’m the worst so-called best friend ever, hmm? Well, FUCK OFF.”

He turns off the camera and takes a few deep breaths, going back to his bed and falling onto the mattress. Sleep finally overtakes him after a few moments, and he ends up sleeping into the early afternoon.

A few hours later he’s speaking with a therapist. Within a month, he’s clean and back to work, and within 6 months he’s starting a successful YouTube channel.

Within a year, he’s back by Robb’s side; a few months after that, they’re dating.

It’s funny how at the end of the day, things always come back around to Robb Stark.

**Author's Note:**

> So... This one.
> 
> This is one of the darkest fics I have for James, they tend to be a bit fluffier after. I just was struck by inspiration at the orgy scene in Rocketman and had to do it. I wanted to write it in a way that wasn't sexy but traumatizing for James. It's the lowest point in his life and while he only goes up from here, it's still something he struggles with. It was hard to write, admittedly, but I'm glad that I did because it's personally one of my favorite pieces I've ever written.
> 
> Please feel free to leave kudos & comments, I love hearing from you guys! <3 and thank you for being so welcoming to me and my boy(s), it means a lot ;_;


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